Link's Awakening
by merch's hut
Summary: Continued out of boredom. This story follows Link and Navi on their wacky and cr-AZY adventures through Hyrule to stop the dinky-head Ganondorf from taking over the realm! First chapter sucks- aw hell, it all sucks. Rated for language.
1. In Which Link Awakens

_I wrote this while listening to Uptown Girl._

Upon awakening from my slumber of exactly seven years, I realized that the only surprise that didn't surprise me was the fact that my clothes were entirely too small. After a hasty and frustrating half hour of trying to strip off the tight and clingy clothes, I stood victoriously in the nude- in the shining light of the sun that peeked through a bay window above me, showing off my radiance.

At first, it was hard to walk. I took one step and fell; glad I wasn't in my ancient tunic where I could have fell on unused Deku Nuts in my pockets. But I did fall on a rather painful and sharp stone step. I must have looked pathetic, holding unto the top stair as I slid down a few, turning over on my stomach and lifting myself up as thought I were doing a push-up. Eventually my legs began to quake and I had to turn over and sit back down. As I did, I was alarmed to find something when I rested my hands on my lap. Apparently, during my long sleep, my penis had become much longer. Not only that, I was a bit hairier down there.

I moved it around. Interestingly, it felt nice to touch. But then, I remembered an old conversation I had with one of the guys, I think his name was Fred, back in the forest. He told me about this kind of thing. When Hylians grew up, they went through something called puberty.

'Ooooh,' I had said, wanting him to go on with such a scandalous topic.

'Yeah so, Hylian males get this big ol'… well, stick right here,' Fred had told me, cupping his undeveloped boyhood, 'then, they get this like, sack thing behind it and it really hurts to get hit there.'

'Why is it there?' I had asked.

'Duh, Link, to pee. Hylian males pee in Hylian female's bellybuttons to make a Hylian baby,' he then went on, 'the girls don't get what the guys get though. See how the human guys get all hairy?'

I really didn't know what to say. I never saw a Hylian man. But I still said 'yes'.

'That's cause Hylian men are a step above animals, you know. So they get all hairy round here,' Fred touched his chin, 'and shave off the rest so they don't become animals and stuff. The hair gives them reason to smack around their females to keep them in check.'

I raised my eyebrows doubtfully.

He went on, 'But yeah, they like to beat it around a bit. If you do it too much, though, it'll fall off,' he smacked his lips, as though he was an all-knowing sage.

'Who did you hear this from?' I immediately asked.

'That weird kid who comes into the Lost Woods— he's really smart. He told me this between segments of 'how disgusting his family' is.'

From that moment on, I always knew to call Fred a Know-It-All.

My hands went to my face and around my chin. There was no beard, or any hair at all besides my own locks. Disappointed, I sat back and looked up at the ceiling of the Temple of Time. It was pointed at the top, ending in a turret. The thought reminded me of my penis.

I shook my head and turned to the side to stretch my legs. My eyes fell on the hilt of the Master Sword. Oh crap—I nearly forgot my important duty as the chosen one.

Carefully, I picked up the blade, pressing my legs together in case one false move would cause me to drop the sword, and slice off my manhood. I ruffled my brow in confusion. Why was I so obsessed about my penis?

I cast the thought aside and put the Master Sword back down. Carefully, I eased myself onto my feet and began to take a few steps. _Oh shit_, I thought, and collapsed in the pain of a charley horse.

I didn't move for a few minutes after the ordeal. I stretched my leg ever so slowly until I could fully extend it. Then, I tried standing back up and took a few steps. God, I must have looked like a baby. A retarded one.

Finally, I walked, after about an hour. I strutted righteously around the room, smiling to myself before noticing a shield and sheath behind the Pedestal of Time. I went to the two items and lifted them. My slingshot! My boomerang! The two were safely beneath my shield.

I took my slingshot and raised it above my head, pulling back the rubber extension. Lo and behold, it snapped. Right in my eye.

Cursing, I threw the piece of junk down on the ground and picked up the boomerang. I threw it. Needless to say, its cheap exterior snapped as it failed to wisp around and come to me and sailed into a stone wall.

Disappointed, I lifted my sheath to see it had somehow extended ( ;-) ). Magic! Oh, how clever that Rauru was. But my Kokiri Sword was nowhere in sight. I shook my sheath. Something clanged about inside.

It was my old dagger—and that was literally all it was. When I was kid, it would have been a sword, sure, but now… it was just a dagger. Oh well. My beautiful new Master Sword would benefit from my newly magicked sheath. ( ;-) )

But there was a problem. I was naked.

I needed some clothes, as disappointing as it was, to hide my beautiful chest and thighs… and penis.

After scavenging the entire premises of the Temple of Time, I returned to the Door of Time to see that some beautifully folded clothes lied before me. They certainly weren't there before. The Goddesses must have had enough of this stud walking around their holy ground. I couldn't blame them.

I put on the new tunic and leggings, and eventually my hat, because I had to stuff all my hair in it. When it didn't stay on, I drew out the Master Sword and cut it down to size. My hat then fit perfectly.

Now I was ready. All I needed was my new sword and shield I had left behind the Door of Time. I was alarmed to see someone was already there, holding them up. I didn't know who it was; only that he was pretty forward, wearing something that stuck to his skin. I mean… I could almost see his balls.

"Who are you?!" I barked, surprised by my deeper voice.

"Don't be alarmed," he said, "I am Sheik, of the Sheikah."

Not to be gay or anything, but Sheik was pretty. He was a pretty boy, I guess.

"A-are you here to kill me?" I stuttered, shaking the gay thought out of my head. Oh no! I sounded vulnerable. He was sure to have my ass now.

Sheik laughed, which made my hair rise on the back of my neck. "Of course not. I'm here to only help you, Link," he said, raising my sword and sheath to me.

Slowly, I walked to him. I stopped a few feet away and touched my sword. He didn't do anything. I touched my shield. Again, nothing, he just raised his eyebrows. If he was the ninja he was dressed up to be, he'd snapped my neck, have his way with me, and still have time to watch the blood fall from my lips—then maybe have his way with me again. Perhaps with my mouth.

"Just checking," I assured him as I finally took the weapons off his hands and put them securely on my back.

"Oh," Sheik said, "you okay now?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I said.

Sheik stared at me for a moment. His eyes scanned me up and down until they finally rested on my own eyes. "You okay?" I asked him when he wouldn't say anything.

He nodded. "Uh—yeah, wait… what?" he flushed furiously and had to turn around. He rubbed at his cheeks, groaning.

I looked around nervously. This was obviously an awkward moment. And what arose in my mind would only make it more awkward, but I had to say it.

"You're a girl, right?" I asked, leaning on one leg. Sheik whirled around and looked at me. I looked up at the ceiling to avoid his gaze.

"Of course not!" he cried as his voice cracked, "You insensitive piece of—…" he trailed off.

I grinned. "It's okay if you're attracted to me," I said, trying to sound somewhat suave.

Sheik stared at me, long and hard.

Needless to say, Fred was right about how much your balls ached after someone smashed them with their bare fists. Gawd, I think Sheik may have _popped_ one.

_-- I don't own Billy Joel's 'Uptown Girl' or Legend of Zelda._


	2. In Which Link Realizes

_I really don't know why I continued with this story. I mean, it's been two years. Flame me! The characters in this piece of shit belong to Nintendo. There's your copyright. Happy?_

_

* * *

_

After the brash and painful encounter with Sheik, 'he' told me about my objectives and what not. I mean, I suppose I was semi aware of how important I was to this entire realm… but geeeeez! I thought my job would be over after I got those damned stones for the princess. She said nothing about going to these temples.

Which raised a thought. Why did Hyrule have these temples exactly? Did the people know that that Ganondorf would take over? So, they built these relevant temples to each element, in the small case that there'd be a sage for a certain hero to awaken in each location? Maybe the Goddesses made them to fuck with us? I guess I couldn't blame them. How boring must it be, being in heaven… in complete luxury, over complete control of entire universe you perhaps made on a boring rainy day up where goddesses and gods fart around all the time?

But seriously, were the temples built to worship that shit or what? Sheik said it wouldn't be an easy task… which must mean they must be all drawn out, taking place over fathoms of earth and billions of rooms… just like the Deku Tree and that whale's digestive tract. Who really thought out this much detail?

Gaaaawd! Is it really worth it?

"Hey Link!"

Oh fuck no. It couldn't be, yet it was! Navi spun around my head excitedly. I belched as she passed me a fiftieth time, and she stopped. "Holy shit," she said, waving her hand in front of her face as her other pinched her nose.

"Heyyo, Navi, you ready to go bomb some Dodongos?"

"Shut the fuck up, Link."

And with that, we skipped merrily out those magical doors of the Temple of Time and into the complete shithole that was the Market Town. I was very disappointed. That brothel that stood between the Shooting Gallery and some ugly house looked abandoned- not to mention the collapsed roof and shattered windows. "Geez!" I whined, "Right when I was old enough!"

Navi gave me a quizzical look before darting around, checking things out. While she did that, I scavenged the remains of the Bazaar. "Alright!" I said, "Free booze!"

"Link you don't even know what the hell that is," Navi snorted as she whirled around my ear, slapping the bottle from my hands. It crashed on the ground, the liquid spilling out and incinerating the weeds and wood about my feet. "See?"

"Well, shit," I said.

Navi settled herself on my shoulder, her annoying fairy light blinding my eye. But of course she didn't care that she was burning my retinas. She tugged on my ear. "Look!" she said. I guess she was pointing. I dunno, to me, Navi was just a ball of light. No appendages… or anything really. Just a ball of blue light with wings and an annoying voice.

"Look where?" I snapped. She tugged my earlobe towards a menacing castle, one shrouded in darkness, that made even my own courageous heart stop cold in its blood beating tracks. It was just floating in the distance, over a grave of lava. Each tower swirled towards the dark heavens in a pillar of absolute black.

Where was the wonderful white castle where the guards kicked my ass whenever I moved too close to them or if they saw me? No doubt, Ganondorf was probably in that blasted hellhole. He was so close.

"Well," I finally said, "Let's go kick his ass!" I started down the beaten path. Navi grabbed my hat, in an effort to pull me back, to deter me from my goal. Foolish fool! Foolish, foolish, foolish, fool! Foolhardy!

My hat just popped right off there. Stupid retard. Too many people think the cap is connected to my head. Hell, the thing doesn't have any elastic to it. You just slip it on. It was a bother really because it could easily fall off. But for some reason… I had to wear it. Our of peer pressure I believe. All the other boys in the forest had a green hat. Hell, Saria had green fucking hair. When I didn't have one, life was hell, let me tell you. You think it was hell not having a fairy, well… you are certainly mistaken. I needed a fucking green hat that made my head look like a cocoon.

So Saria made me this one because she pitied the fool and I now can't part with it, no matter how inconvenient it is. I'll admit, I have a boner for her.

While conveying this information to you in story format (or rather, an _aside_, if you will call it such), Navi nudged my still body. I snapped back to reality.

"What the fuck, Navi? Don't you want to kick some black, ginger ass?" I asked her.

"We have to get the sages first! Were you even listening to Sheik?" Navi snapped.

"Why? The castle is right there," I said, looking at the citadel, then realizing it was actually floating over lava. "Well… can't we just like… maybe build a ladder or something? I built my own damn tree house to live in, I can build a ladder."

Navi just turned around threw my hat on the ground. She floated to the center of Market Town, to the fountain. I scooped up my hat. Suddenly, I heard a scream. I whipped around in horror to find the source, but all I saw were these dead, decomposing faces, with elongated and disgusting bodies, approaching me. I shat myself, I believe. I wanted to run, but my fucking feet were glued to the ground.

"Link!" Navi shouted.

I could barely hear her as three of these things came to me, one wrapping its arm around my neck, mounting me. Confused, but grasping my senses, I threw the thing off of me and zipped past those brown rapists and netted Navi in my cap. I flew out of the Market Town at record speed. I reached the collapsed drawbridge, panting for breath.

I shook the fairy from my cap and latched it back to my head. "What were those fucking things?" I cried.

"Maybe… maybe they're the dead bodies of the people who used to live here!"

"No way!" I remembered that really hot brunette who stood out in front of the Bombchu Bowling Alley—y'know, the one who wore that light blue dress and stood by that old stiff who preaches about shit no one cares about. "To think she's a rotting corpse. I was gonna tap that shit as soon as I got older!"

"Link, shut the fuck up. You don't even know what sex is. You're a virgin from the forest full of children who don't know shit-squat about fucking. You're a child in the body of a smexy teenager. Besides, half your fanbase think you're fag anyway," Navi took a breath who went on, "who pair you up with impossible relationships with characters who are otherwise completely opposite of you and have nothing in common with you. Face it, Link, your sexuality is as ambiguous as the person that plays you from outside that computer screen!" Navi hyperventilated for a while.

"Touché," I said, "But Navi, no more breaking the fourth wall! We are only signed to one fourth wall breakage per humor fanfic!"

Navi gasped. "Oh! I almost forgot. I could have been fired then and there!"

Fuck, I thought.

"Well, we should get going! No more dillydallying! We need to restore Hyrule back to peace!" Navi rang in my ear, as though she were pumping me up for the job.

I swatted at her. "Where do we go first?"

"Graveyard, derp."

"Oh fuck me! Won't there be more of those dead looking things?" I moaned, sorely following Navi as she flew ahead.

"Maybe, but there's an item there that will help us to the next temple, and hopefully Sheik will be there to guide us."

I began to think about Sheik. I sighed dreamily. I made a v-shape with my fingers and stuck my tongue through the shape repeatedly, but Navi noticed me, so I had to stop.

Bored, I chewed on my lip for a while as we ran toward Kakariko Village. I suspected Hyrule Field to be full of vagrants and vagabonds and vaginas but it was actually really pretty out there.

But wouldn't you know it, as soon as the sun fell those fucking skeleton things rose from the ground and followed me. Since it's nearly impossible for me to walk, they just sauntered a mile behind me, so they were no big problem. As I was crossing the bridge to Kakariko, though, one popped out of the guard rail. I was all like whuuut, but I just passed him anyway and he fell in the water. Navi was all 'Did you see that shit?' and I was all 'Fuck yeah, I did.'

When we finally made it to Kakariko it was nearly morning. I was pretty famished after not eating for nearly a decade, so I sat outside an inn, waiting for it to open.

After what seemed like hours, I began to realize that the damn sun was not up yet; in fact, it hadn't moved for a while. The same crow cawed in the distance and the same pasty ass freak sat under the mutant cypress tree at the front of the village. "Navi, what the fuck?" I asked, yawning.

Navi whirled around after having fallen asleep on my shoulder. "Well shit, Link, the problem is that time stops in the fucking village."

"Are you fucking serious?"

"Yes."

"Oh, fuck me," I groaned, slapping my forehead. I got up, groaning, and left the village. We sat on the steps before the damn place, and magically, the sun began to rise again. "This is bullshit," I grumbled. Soon, some rooster cawed and a fanfare started, and I turned and went into Kakariko Village. Of course, everything was as though everybody had been standing there their entire lives.

I shook my head.

"Fucking bullshit!"


End file.
